She had just spoken about what most Ministry Leaders know far too well but rarely acknowledge. Their own broken hearts. I quickly grabbed my pen and scribbled the words onto the yellow post-it-note. CCWM Ministry Leader, Stacy Swenson was on the ZOOM call sharing with us some of the work she was about to enter into. For safety, I won’t mention the details except to tell you the things she was seeing firsthand were more than her heart could bear. Much more, and she was fully aware of it. After sharing the plan and the heaviness of what she would be experiencing Stacy simply sighed and said,

I studied her face in the Zoom call, the face of a woman fairly new to ministry life. She, her husband, and her son had left the USA just shy of one year ago to work full-time in Mexico. Just shy of a year and her heart was already broken. 

I understood this specific result of ministry well. I once said after spending eight years on the field that missionary life had ruined me forever, and it was true. But I was so thankful for the ruining. The way I saw life, the world, my own world, and my heart were forever changed by the stories I had immersed myself in while living with the suffering poor. And the change was good, even a necessary thing but it left me with a broken heart that never did mend well. I don’t write this with regret. I write it with joy, but I feel it, my broken heart is felt often.  It’s felt in the night when I hear the echoes of my name being called out the distinct way the children would pronounce it, “Sheddee! “Sheddee!” I will never see them again or know if my efforts were of any real value to their life or their future. It’s felt in the checkout aisle at the supermarket when I pile up my groceries and out of nowhere I’m reminded of the boys offering me a piece of bread, “Please eat” they said, passing me the only remaining food in their home. It’s felt when I open my Bible on a warm sunny morning, coffee in hand, pages turning and I remember the small group of people running to our van as we pulled into the desert village just looking for rest for the night after a full day of travel, 

they asked us. They were hungry for the next thing because a traveling missionary had told them about Jesus months ago promising someone would come back to share more…and no one had. 

When I think of it, my heart was breaking from the moment I first got off the plane, when I saw the people in pain, so many people without hope.

I reflect on the words of another CCWM Ministry Leader Cliff Parrish,

He had asked the group.

I’ll leave you to your own conclusions on Cliff’s question but for me, when I investigate the weeping Jesus I find compassion for the misery of man and it always moved HIM to action. The entire New Testament is sprinkled with these kinds of Jesus stories, and so is missionary life. This is why Stacy’s words have remained with me since the call. She is right. A broken heart is good sometimes.