10 years and counting

It will be 10 years this summer that I have been in a relationship with Mongolia.

Back in 2012 when I was halfway through college, we had our first date.

In some ways it was a set-up as various family members had known Mongolia for several years prior.

But It did not go well.

 I left that short date with a “No way.” 

It felt mutual.

I didn’t understand Mongolia.

It felt like Mongolia didn’t understand me.

I was arrogant.

Mongolia didn’t fit into my expectations.

I thought I knew what I wanted in a relationship (and this was not it!) 

But I am of the opinion that, unless they are a psychopath, you should always go on a second date as often initial impressions and first date jitters aren’t able to show the other person’s best or true self.

So, in summer of 2013 I agreed to go on a second (and likely final) date with Mongolia.

But what I discovered, was that I was so wrong!

Mongolia wasn’t what I thought they were like at all!

My heart was changed, and I was in love.

For the rest of the year, all I could think about was Mongolia and in the summer of 2014, we started a relationship. We were cautious, taking things slowly, in our case, a year at a time. The “honeymoon phase” ended pretty quickly and I often wondered why I was still in a relationship with Mongolia. We both made mistakes and hurt each other without meaning to, yet we cared about each other deeply. Each year we would look back in surprise that we had made it so far together.

 In that third year I decided that I needed some space to think some things through. I returned home for almost 6 months while I sorted out my dreams. After those 6 months I knew. As much as I loved and cared for Mongolia, we needed to go our separate ways

It was a genuine situation of “It’s not you, it’s me.” I was feeling called elsewhere and it was a space that I had to go alone.

 We had a beautiful final 6 months together after I returned, and it broke my heart to say goodbye, despite the peace inside that I was doing the right thing. Mongolia would always have a space in my heart and when I left told me that they would be there if I ever changed my mind.

And so, I left. I returned home alone full of joys and sorrows from those four years. I didn’t think it would be healthy for us to try and “still be friends” and so we didn’t have much contact after I said goodbye. Even so, I thought about Mongolia constantly, especially those first two years apart, and especially when I would hear through mutual friends about what Mongolia was up to.

 I thought about what I wanted in my next relationship and when people asked, I would reply that I wanted something similar to what I had with Mongolia. People asked if I thought we might get back together. I told them I didn’t think so. I thought if I saw Mongolia again it would be too painful to say goodbye a second time.

I let Mongolia go though I kept reminders of our time together on my walls and shelves. Three years later I had moved on well. I had started another relationship with Grad. School that was going on three years. I was learning and growing and learning more and more what I wanted in a relationship. One day, I had taken some time away again to think about what I wanted next and a friend who knew Mongolia long before I had, asked about us. “Have you ever thought about getting back together again?” she asked, thinking we had been a good match. I hadn’t. I had always pushed away previous questions of this nature as impossibilities. But as I thought about it more and more, I realized that maybe, all along, this time apart was preparing me for commitment.

 Mongolia was the very reason why I was in my current relationship with Grad. School, and I knew going into it that Grad. and I were temporary. It was a draining and exhausting relationship. Granted, life with Mongolia was not easy either, and yet it felt right.

As of now, Mongolia and I are engaged. We are still working out the details, but we are thinking the wedding will be sometime between late summer and early fall. In some ways, it feels like we are starting our relationship from scratch as we have both grown and changed much in the past four years. And yet, we still have our history together. Many of our friends from our original friend group have moved away but some remain, even though it looks different now. There will be others to support us through the difficulties as we both know it won’t be easy, especially considering our differences. But I feel joy and peace and so thankful for the journey of the last 10 years together and who I am today as a result.

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